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Regrets
4 years ago
Man, I don't even know why I'm using FA as a place to vent.
Just want a place to vent. It's depression night; the time where I lay back in bed and regret things. Life choices, bad things I've done. I blow through friends like they're nothing, I'm lucky my circle has lasted as long as it has. I'm rude and obnoxious. And the worst thing is that I know this, I try to fix it, but I just... forget and let it repeat. I wish I hadn't fucked certain things up, making me avoid my main accounts. Instead of trying to set things straight, I act like a coward.
I've had months of therapy, psychiatry; yet I don't feel like anything's changed. I want to be a better person. I have to be a better person. I have a group of friends who are supporting me along the way; real nice, real good friends who I'm lucky to have. Friends who I've been honest with, friends who know my issues and the things I've done, mistakes I've made. Very much so. Yet I feel like nothing's changing. I don't feel like I'm improving.
There's a few people on here that I want to say sorry to. Desperately. Make amends. But life doesn't work that way. Especially after you fucked up multiple times. To approach them again, after months, almost a year; is it worth it? Will they consider your apology even if they have no reason to believe it? Or will you just be reminded of the person you once was, and will be?
I don't know. Is this attention seeking? Probably. Just hoping someone's out there, listening.
Just want a place to vent. It's depression night; the time where I lay back in bed and regret things. Life choices, bad things I've done. I blow through friends like they're nothing, I'm lucky my circle has lasted as long as it has. I'm rude and obnoxious. And the worst thing is that I know this, I try to fix it, but I just... forget and let it repeat. I wish I hadn't fucked certain things up, making me avoid my main accounts. Instead of trying to set things straight, I act like a coward.
I've had months of therapy, psychiatry; yet I don't feel like anything's changed. I want to be a better person. I have to be a better person. I have a group of friends who are supporting me along the way; real nice, real good friends who I'm lucky to have. Friends who I've been honest with, friends who know my issues and the things I've done, mistakes I've made. Very much so. Yet I feel like nothing's changing. I don't feel like I'm improving.
There's a few people on here that I want to say sorry to. Desperately. Make amends. But life doesn't work that way. Especially after you fucked up multiple times. To approach them again, after months, almost a year; is it worth it? Will they consider your apology even if they have no reason to believe it? Or will you just be reminded of the person you once was, and will be?
I don't know. Is this attention seeking? Probably. Just hoping someone's out there, listening.
be a better person. It's an up hill battle that we all need to do, which is a life time process.
I've had my share of stumbles and failures in the past. I learned from my own mistakes and learned a lot more from the mistakes of others, and kept pushing forward. The important thing is that you never give up the fight. Of all the battles fought through out history, change is the most difficult battle to win. If I can change myself, I can change the circumstances around me. But it all starts with me. The great thing about this battle though is that you don't have to fight it alone. I didn't make it this far on my own. There's no way I could. It's so important to have family and friends around to support you. Make amends, fix what ever needs to be fixed, and even break away from anyone who tries to put you down with negative vibes. And hold on to the values that your peers and loved ones have imparted with you, so that you can pass on to someone less fortunate than you. There will always be someone out there, that needs a stronger person to get them through. And your own experience as you survive and over come them, just might be the very thing that will help them get through in their struggles. Hope that helps.
I'm no expert in this sort of thing honestly, but I'm just sharing from personal experience As someone who have shed away the skin of my former self. That old version of me, I've buried six feet under. I'm not quite where I want to be, but I'm glad I'm no longer where I used to be.
I understand it's hard when you're reminded of who you used to be. But keep in mind, you're no longer that same person. Who you are now is not the same as the person you used to be. Change is not a feeling, it's a mind set. It will take time and personal conditioning, just like working out. You just have to condition yourself like you would your muscle. Conditioning physically, mentally and even spiritually. Stay connected with your trusted friends, and keep on fighting. It's a difficult road, but believe me, as long as you have support, you'll get there sooner or later. Just don't give up on yourself. Your friends and family are counting on you, cause they believe in you. That's enough to keep you going. :)
Oh man...I've never shared this much here on FA like that before. But, reading your journal I just couldn't help but share some words of encouragement. Honestly, I'm just trying my best to keep a low profile here on FA as an anonymous user. I'm just here to escape reality for a little bit and just cut loose with my wild imagination. LOL
I wasn't expecting to do this sort of thing, but I guess my heart spoke louder than my brains. Probably why I chose the user name, "Lionheart" I guess. XD