Okay so this one will require a bit of background -

As a photographer, I am pretty self-critical about my work. I feel that I have most of the technical aspects sorted out very well, but still feel that there's an essential "essence", or something, missing from my work. All throughout my life, I have lacked imagination and creativity. I've always been fantastic on logic (in school, math was one of my best subjects), but creative things like writing were always my weak spot. It haunted me in art class, where I struggled to come up with original ideas or even things I wanted to express...same with English class and creative writing, same with all sorts of things in my adult life. Things like Minecraft where all I build are square stone fortresses of various types, but never much beyond that. Can't come up with original ideas for short stories, can't come up with innovative new situations to explore in creative writing, etc.

And obviously, creativity and expression are both core aspects to photography. Show off something you want to express or emphasize, show me a new angle on it. Every year, while editing and posting my photos, I've often lamented how many seem so similar in theme - an endless succession of fursuiters waving at the camera. It's always eaten away at me and my meager self-esteem. I see my photos as competent on the technical aspect, but lacking a creative spark that moves a photo into something more alive and wonderful.

I've never really talked about this feeling before because it would come across too much as fishing for compliments and I didn't want it to be like that. I've tried incorporating more coaching of fursuiters on posing, incorporating more elements of the local environment, and trying different angles. But where I fail there is that I'm always thinking about those things...after the moment has passed. I try to memorize and train myself to think of these things in the moment, but it's been a struggle.

On the brighter side, I feel that 2023 was my best year yet for changing things up and having an array of photos with real diversity of ideas. I'm getting better. I'm not yet where I want to be, but, there is notable progress. I'm seeing photos from myself in my editing process, that I couldn't imagine myself getting five years ago.

All that background is necessary for the framing of this photo, and yes I did just set up two puns there and no I will not apologize for it. But in my Flickr feed, there's a series of photos with this fursuiter "Gilrandree" from the owner Aeto. On Friday night of AC, I first encountered him just outside the DLCC during the dances. I followed him into the dance, with his glowing eyes, and...

it happened

I had this spark. This idea. An image in my mind of how I can photograph specifically this suiter in this environment and have it stand out. I wanted him silhouetted against the lasers and lights, with those glowing red eyes looking deep into my soul. An excited rush came over me and I couldn't wait to try it. I have basic technical capability with my camera, but could I pull off the photo I wanted? It's all good to imagine it, but could I actually do it?!

Unfortunately, he quickly walked out of the dance and I lost my opportunity. So I sighed, walked out as well, and continued to photograph other suiters in the DLCC hallway. I noticed Gilrandree heading towards the roof, though, and I did still need a photo of him anyway, so I followed him up there. It was nighttime so theoretically I could still do some version of my idea. So I caught up to him, explained what I'd like to do, and got this result: https://www.flickr.com/photos/99893.....n/photostream/ and this https://www.flickr.com/photos/99893.....n/photostream/

But it was still gnawing at me, that original idea I had. I still wanted him silhouetted against the lasers and lights of the dance. So I asked him if he was willing to spend a little more time for photos and if he was willing to go to the dance to do it. Thankfully, he obliged me. We then went downstairs and into the dance, and tried to capture the photo I'd imagined.

This was it! I was so excited that I was able to get the shot. I walked Gilrandree out of the dance and brought up the preview image on my camera to show him. He looked at it and said to me, "Wow. I've been suiting for like 12 years, and nobody has ever gotten a picture of me like this before".

I was about speechless. I gave him a hug and parted ways with him, but I could barely walk. I felt this electricity flowing through me and this rising emotional wave about to crest. I was on the verge of tears (happy tears, of course). I'd finally done it! I created something that didn't exist before! This was unique and brought into the world through that faint spark of creation - my vision and imagination, and enough technical practice to capitalize on the opportunity.

It is so inconsequential for many other people to be able to create freely and often that it's hard to describe how big of a deal it is, for me to finally reach out from inside my box and grab hold of that spark. Even for just one fleeting moment. And his comment was such a powerful compliment for where I am in my life's journey and finally validating that I'm growing as a photographer and that I have some little bit of creativity that I can share with the world and make it a more interesting place. Though I'm sure that at the time he had no idea how much it meant to me, to hear those words.

Right now I'm sitting here looking at getting new business cards and I'm just coming up with one sterile and flat design after another, so I most definitely have a long way to go with creativity in my life. But I've felt that spark. I know I have room to grow, and I know I've already grown some. I just need to keep working at it.

 Aeto