I like this. There are many elements working in tension to catch the feeling of panic: the portrait which cannot turn away, the wall of eyes, the stack of screens irregularly placed and buzzing with static. Even the spiked collar with its duality of protection and restraint.

There is also good subtlety in Vika’s expression: how the position of the eyebrows changes what looks at first glance to be a ferocious snarl into a silent scream… not in anger, but in anguish.

Thank you Jack! I enjoy reading your interpretaion :D

Comes pretty close. It's interesting how you caught the eyebrows. I'm not good at really expressive and obvious facial expressions since I have problems interpreting/understanding them in real life. I'm happy that you got the sublety of it!

Yes the buzzing screens are a vital element too. The brain shuts completely off during a panic attack. First a shitload of racing thoughts and then a disabeling shutdown. I placed them irregular because of the absolute disbalance you are in during that state.

And you even got the collar which is really cool! Simply said, I like the looks of it but in this drawing it actually had a meaning also.

In addition to being symbolic of mental shutdown, the screens and static also work well to communicate a physical symptom of panic: the sensation of pins and needles/paresthesia resulting from hyperventilation. Buzzing and numbness. It’s really effective.

The first thought is when you try to just smile and seem friendly but it still comes out in a wrong way, making you appear confusing or even scary to everyone, even if in fact you are even more scared of them :'D and no matter what you do, in the end you will look (and interpreted) somehow wrong anyway... plus this creepy and haunting feeling that they are all LOOKING AT YOU and if you show that something is wrong they will all notice it! D:

Anyway, this is just my interpretation based on how I myself experience such situations, heh! I like this drawing.

Yes exactly! That is what I wanted to convey :D I had/have that exact experience over and over again. Just trying to come off as friendly but allways being perceived as creepy or weird. Being really scared of the others at the same time like you said. It even applies for writing. Allways scared of being perceived wrong (and actually being perceived wrong most of the time sadly).

Fuck yes the feeling of everyone looking at you is awful and scary. It may only be in the head but it for sure feels real! Even have that when I simply walk through the town. I allways take detours to avoid people/crowds :'D

And yes that is the hard part to not show that you are not panicking inside! To come off as "normal"(at least the accepted normal, I actually hate that word because normal is just as subjective as an personal oppinion or interpretation, there is no set normal).

Thank you Vill I'm glad that you like it :D

I think the more afraid you are of being perceived the wrong way, the less natural you seem, and therefore the more likely you are to be perceived the wrong way :'D
But yeah, this is very relatable for me too (I sometimes wonder if I'm neurodivergent or so... sometimes it seems like this)
It's fun that for this reason I can sometimes feel more comfortable in a crowd, because of the thought that if there are a lot of people there, they are less likely to pay attention to me personally!

I think "normal" is "most common in a particular community". So you are right, normality is very subjective! But this only makes things more difficult... having learned what is normal for some people and even learning to live up to it, you may suddenly discover that it is not normal for other people. Even trying to be too normal is can be seen as not normal, sometimes even by the same people who defined this norm... people are confusing!

💙

That's true! It's really hard to find the middle ground :'D Not to try too hard but not to be too open about yourself. But to summarize it I allways mask to an extend. Only exceptions are people that I know extremely well or trust.

That can very well be the case that you have ASD too! I was diagnosed as a kid but lost the documents over the past 20 years. So it's not a self diagnosis. And as the name suggests, ASD (autistic spectrum disorder, former calles Aspergers), is a broad spectrum. Wouldn't be surprised if you have it too (not in a negative way of course!)
It's really hard to get diagnosed as an adult sadly. I struggle to get a diagnosis right now because the few available psychiatrists only take people who pay it themselves. It's expensive as fuck. Eternally broke XD

Haha yeah I get that you are feeling more "comfortable" in a crowd :D In a crowd you melt into the mass almost becoming invisible. I still hate it. All the noise and sensory overload and of course the unavoidable touching (like in a train).
But yeah it's even more scary if you are face to face with a person and all the attention is on you!

That's a really good description of normal! Yes, like you said, normal is such a broad term. You can never be perceived as you wish since there are so many facettes to it. I don't even want to be perceived as normal, just perceived as myself without being affraid that people are weirded out all the time. But as a neurodivergent person you'll almost never be perceived in a positive way, even if you try hard. People are creeped out by it and distance themselves (at least from my experience).

I don't try too hard to be normal since I don't even know what normal is. I think the best way to describe it, is that I try to come off as non threatening (which doesn't work too well) :'D Doesn't help that I allready look a bit crazy/intimidating in real life XD

Oh yes!! People are indeed extremely confusing. I think I'll never get them and their weird social games. I'm glad that you understand <3

As far as I know, in my country, even if you were diagnosed as a child, this diagnosis ceases to be valid after the age of 18, and you will receive either some other diagnosis (like schizophrenia?) or nothing. I'm not sure since I haven't been diagnosed myself (I don't even know if this would make sense for me), but I've heard something like that. I don't know if it's possible to get diagnosed with autistic stuff as an adult, but most likely it works in a similar way, yeah...
The reason I started to suspect that I might be neurodivergent is because I have a lot of really weird traits, and I already had them as a child. Like the fact that I don't eat most of the foods for weird reasons, or too sensitive to what is okay for others, or my hyperfixations... I'm not sure, but yes, I suspect something to do with neurodiversity.

Music helps me a little. I spend most of my time outside with headphones on, or so lost in my thoughts that my senses are working minimally just so I don't bump into someone or something :'D sometimes so much so that I can hardly see or hear anything around me. But yeah, it's still stressful. I just don't feel safe in uncrowded places either.

Well... at least it's mutual. I mean, people may be creeped out by me, but I feel the same about them. It's better if they distance themselves peacefully than if they act in a threatening, provocative or mocking manner. I would rather look scary than vulnerable and defenseless, heh! Although of course it's sad anyway.

Yes, I understand! All these social games are weird and confusing for me too.