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Spike looks up from the papers on the table in front of him. "So... you're not Twilight."

Twilight nods. "Correct."

"And... you've never been Twilight."

"Also correct."

"Then who the heck are you?"

"Rarity."

Spike takes a moment to process that. "Wait... seriously?"

"Yes."

"Then who's Rarity?"

"Fluttershy, obviously."

"And Fluttershy is...?"

"Pinkie Pie!"

"And Pinkie Pie's..."

"Rainbow, of course."

Spike groans. "And let me guess, Rainbow is actually Applejack."

"What? No. That's stupid. You've seen her birth certificate."

Spike blinks, having forgotten about that. "Oh... right. So who's Rainbow Dash?"

"Roseluck."

Spike pinches the bridge of his muzzle with a claw. "Okay, I have a feeling this is going to be a long list, so let's skip straight to the end of the line... who is Twilight Sparkle really?"

The Queen of the Changelings bursts in through the ceiling "I am!!!"

Spike nearly falls over. "What the BUCK?!"

"Spike!" Twilight stomps her hoof. "Language!"

"Yes, dear Spike, my whole crusade against Equestria is because Celestia decided to pull a million favors in at once and shuffle everypony's name around just to fuck with me. And now I shall have my revenge against the pony who took my name!"

Spike quirks an eyebrow "Wait, what? I thought it was about food."

"Well, that too. I got pretty mad when Celestia did it and went on a bit of a rampage. Then ponies stopped giving us love like they used to."

Spike rolls his eyes "That sounds like a you problem."

"In my defense, I was blackout drunk."

Twilight clears her throat. "You two done?"

Chrysalis smiles wickedly. "Yes. And you know who else is done?"

Twilight narrows her eyes. "I swear to Celestia if you say 'you are'-"

"You a-" Chrysalis pauses, stuttering for words. "I-I mean... y-your face!"

Twilight rolls her eyes "Great comeback. I'll be sure to write it into the history books as the best one ever."

Chrysalis stomps her hoof "Hey! I was under pressure!"

"Says the species whose job it used to be to lie on the spot to survive."

Chrysalis blushes and looks away. "S-shut up."

There's an awkward silence.

Spike breaks the silence. "So, uh... you're Twilight Sparkle, then?"

"Well, technically I'm Jason Ridgewell, but my legal birthname in Equestria is Twilight Sparkle. Why?"

"Beca-... wait, Jason Ridgewell?"

"Long story involving a car crash, two windigoes, and a bottle of toilet cleaner. Long story short I was human in a past life."

"Er... right. Anyways, I'm actually legally bound to be Twilight's assistant, but now technically you're Twilight too, so..."

Chrysalis blinks for a moment and then laughs maniacally. "Ha! My ultimate revenge! I have stolen the princess's own servant from under her nose!"

Twilight frowns. "I'm right here you know."

Spike puts his fists on his hips. "Yeah, and so am I."

Chrysalis picks Spike up in her telekinesis and heads towards the door. "Come along, my number one slave. We have more revenge to plot."

"W-wait, I don-" The castle doors slam shut, leaving Twilight alone.

"Huh. Well, I guess Spike's gone now..."

Another awkward silence ensues.

"OH SHIT, SPIKE LEFT THE STOVE ON."

The castle then burns to the ground, completing Chrysalis's admittedly unintentional revenge.