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Yes! reached page 30! (But not done yet...)
Ok, Duke Bodvar is getting a little tense at these parts in the story. Maria is as oblivious as usual. I didn't know Zok made such a potent shampain. (I learn something new about him every day.) Davso should watch out for his shampain guns. They must be pretty powerful to launch a vampiric demon out of a room.
The next guest star will be arriving in the next two-to three updates. I think I ended it in a good place this time. Count Arconium still has much more to say. Zok and Davos will be creating a truce, and an alliance, against a common foe.
Ok, Duke Bodvar is getting a little tense at these parts in the story. Maria is as oblivious as usual. I didn't know Zok made such a potent shampain. (I learn something new about him every day.) Davso should watch out for his shampain guns. They must be pretty powerful to launch a vampiric demon out of a room.
The next guest star will be arriving in the next two-to three updates. I think I ended it in a good place this time. Count Arconium still has much more to say. Zok and Davos will be creating a truce, and an alliance, against a common foe.
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Wolf
Gender Male
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 149.5 kB
Listed in Folders
Ok, I will now designate you as my official spell checker. Sometimes I do type too fast. I also did this at 11:00 at night. On my next update, I'll post this part with the other one to fix those errors. (I was sure champagne was spelled with an sh, not a ch, my spell check must be defected.)
Besides that, any imput on the actual content? I have Count Arconium acting like a villan for the section. Is the story turning out to be predictable, unpredictable, good, bad, etc. Does it need something? Should I give more detail abotu a certain topic? Do you still like it?
So if my major errors are just in the spelling department, I think I'm doing pretty good!
Besides that, any imput on the actual content? I have Count Arconium acting like a villan for the section. Is the story turning out to be predictable, unpredictable, good, bad, etc. Does it need something? Should I give more detail abotu a certain topic? Do you still like it?
So if my major errors are just in the spelling department, I think I'm doing pretty good!
i'm still reading it :p and waiting for the rerst to come...methinks that is enough to say yer doign decent ;)
while i do not know arconium's character persay (ie: personality, mindset, etc, etc)
i am slightly worrisome of how my own hitomi shade shall be done...i may have to request to see abuot how you choose to play him out before ya finish the chapters, he'll appear in ;)
while i do not know arconium's character persay (ie: personality, mindset, etc, etc)
i am slightly worrisome of how my own hitomi shade shall be done...i may have to request to see abuot how you choose to play him out before ya finish the chapters, he'll appear in ;)
You need, first, to keep the tone of the story one way. Is it first person? Is it third person? Third person unreliable?
IE: "I will detail this later on in the story." Makes me wonder if this is a third person or first person. Worse comes to worse, don't put this in there. Let the reader wonder.
Another: Show. Don't tell.
Show what he does, don't tell it. Show that he is a bastard, or a nice guy - show that he is rude, uncouth, or mean or vengeful, show behavior, do not tell it. That takes away.
So far, though? It's a story that needs work, but the story is there. Just have to polish it out.
It's hard. I know.
IE: "I will detail this later on in the story." Makes me wonder if this is a third person or first person. Worse comes to worse, don't put this in there. Let the reader wonder.
Another: Show. Don't tell.
Show what he does, don't tell it. Show that he is a bastard, or a nice guy - show that he is rude, uncouth, or mean or vengeful, show behavior, do not tell it. That takes away.
So far, though? It's a story that needs work, but the story is there. Just have to polish it out.
It's hard. I know.
Thanks for the advice. I knew that one paragraph needs work. I saw that sentense and said: "That's gotta go." I'm gonna have to add more description of the Duke's castle.
About this "show, not tell" thing, I'm not to sure what you mean, can you clarify that?
Alright, I know it needs work. I love this story and I appreciate your help. Any other advice? (Say, character development, plot inconsistensies, etc.)l
Also, I have parts 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 up if you care to read them.
About this "show, not tell" thing, I'm not to sure what you mean, can you clarify that?
Alright, I know it needs work. I love this story and I appreciate your help. Any other advice? (Say, character development, plot inconsistensies, etc.)l
Also, I have parts 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 up if you care to read them.
Would you rather have someone tell you about a painting, or would you rather them tell it to you in a way that makes you want to see it?
Have you ever had a friend describe a movie to you, and it sound plain, boring, or worse - uninteresting?
Did it turn you off?
It's the same way in a story. Instead of saying:
"The wall is strong."
State:
"The wall, ancient though it may be with the signs of age and cracks running it's face, was amongst a legacy built to last invasions of things far worse than barbarian raiders, and would outlast the castle which it surrounded by centuries."
Which is more evocative of the strength of the simple wall?
Of course, some things do not need to explained, but that's a lesson for another time.
Have you ever had a friend describe a movie to you, and it sound plain, boring, or worse - uninteresting?
Did it turn you off?
It's the same way in a story. Instead of saying:
"The wall is strong."
State:
"The wall, ancient though it may be with the signs of age and cracks running it's face, was amongst a legacy built to last invasions of things far worse than barbarian raiders, and would outlast the castle which it surrounded by centuries."
Which is more evocative of the strength of the simple wall?
Of course, some things do not need to explained, but that's a lesson for another time.
hehe really great story. I like the hints of humor and the characters blend really well together. While I must admit some parts need a bit more description it all in all had done it's job. I was able to envision where they were and to me that's always a plus. It sometimes was a tad difficult to figure out who was talking but because the characters have good personalities I was usually able to figure out who was talking just by the remarks. I liked the fact that you didn't make the characters all evil or all good, that helps give them character and makes them interesting as people. Other than a little editing and typos it didn't have a lot of mistakes that I could see. To end my review I must say this was a very enjoyable read and I can't wait for more.^^ It's late now so I'll start reading the other chapters when I wake up. Until then, keep up the good work!
review score: five hearts out of five!
review score: five hearts out of five!
Ah, did not include the synopsis I put in the part one only submission:
"Duke Bodvar is heading out for another hunt, but his servant Zok says that he has a guest. The Duke lears this charming young lady will be staying the night.....maybe forever. A story of a vampire who comes across a rather interesting mortal."
"Duke Bodvar is heading out for another hunt, but his servant Zok says that he has a guest. The Duke lears this charming young lady will be staying the night.....maybe forever. A story of a vampire who comes across a rather interesting mortal."
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