God... I feel like garbage. Just had a fight with my mate, and I just need to vent. I haven't felt this out of it and disoriented since I quit doing drugs, but god... this feels terrible. I thought I'd kicked the habit of using my own problems to control people, but I guess it was deeper ingrained in me than I had thought. I've spent so long using my emotions to control others that I don't even know what else they're for at this point. When I'm alone, all I get is numbness and a feeling of aching. I can't remember the feeling of love, and I wonder if I ever have.

This is all from a conversation I had with my mate. It would be bullshit to call it an argument, because there was no yelling, just me trying to control her, and then being calmly informed that my behavior is manipulative. Our voices were never raised, but it felt like a punch in the gut. I was so afraid that I would do this without thinking about it, and it turns out I have. I don't know how to move forward from here, because I'm so good at manipulating that I don't even notice when I do it. I've been made to realize that I'm only ever kind or polite when it is to achieve some end, rather than this... desire to do it for whatever reason? I still can't get my head around the idea...

I'm just rambling really. I've been told that love is supposed to involve a desire to do nice things for people without promise or reward, but I've never felt that. My pets and kittens say they love me as well, and I say it back, but I really don't know why I waste such a word. I worry that I might be some kind of freak or monster, but I know that telling anyone that would just be more manipulation and control. Really, I just feel guilty. Like I've been caught again. Like I'm back to where I started, in a place where control and scheme is all I have to fall back on.