Ive been hesitant to post anything on here because of negative comments on stuff I've posted on other sites, i guess Im paranoid about everything, I'm older then i should be writing this I've had no relationship with my dad, all he did was drink, my little side wants her dad back so we can fix everything but he passed away around 2018 and i just don't know how to cope with so many “daddy issues” ever since i was 12 my life has been filled with mistreatment, this woman he was dating was not a nice person, she held my head underwater while i struggled, she hit my hands (front and back) if i did anything wrong, she destroyed my confidence by putting me in diapers after i turned 13 and it must of broke something because i don't know if I’m even worthy of love or any kind of affection, my family’s are not welcoming in my eyes, the Banman's are mostly alcoholics and my aunt emotionally attacked me and my mother after getting drunk and her daughter did the same. The lances didn't really want me around and they wanted my sister around more. My uncle passed away this year and I'm just emotionally numb, to cope with it all I've taken lessons online to shut off my emotions and I'm happy to see its working, I've had to disconnect with everything, when ever I'm hurt mom just says how its all in my head or how i am a hypochondriac, like nothing i say has validation, mom didnt help my sister till she was crawling in pain on the floor from kidney stones. So i stoped talking as well, i only speak when spoken to i feel ignored and i feel like my ADHD is to blame, I’m not normal in my family’s eyes and all i want is to be loved thats all i want but i dont think love exist in any family i visit, i didnt even get to go to my grandparents as much as my sister did thats why i blame ADHD, its more coping mechanisms that form, ive built walls, ive built damns ive hidden my feelings and ive gone numb to whats said to me. My thoughts when mom is saying im stupid is shes old and doesnt know any better, its helped in blocking out her hate when shes angry just says anything out of anger and then forgets, i found her book and it broke my spark (heart for anyone who doesnt like transformers) i mean its fine but id love to make them all take a polygraph and see who hates me and why they hate me. The only person i know love from is my girlfriend and my little sister, their always there for me emotionally when i need it, they know about who i am and accept that and im greatful to them. I love my girlfriend very much and i do anything im able to help her even if its hard for me at times, i want to make her happy. And if i was being honest she doesn’t deserve somone like me whos broken so badlyshe desurves to be treated like a princess and i do so in our rps. This is getting long so ill end it here. Thank you for listening..